The 4 Stages of Presence with Life
The present moment is the gate through which we meet ourselves.
The experience of the present moment is the experience of yourself and your aliveness. The present moment is the only place you have ever been; in reality, your life consists of nothing else.
We could call our path of growth an unfolding of our relationship with life and presence. It can be divided into four stages, or attitudes, with the present moment at its centre.
- 01
Life Happens to You
For much of our lives, we feel that life is happening to us. We never quite know what comes next — one day happy, the next unsettled. The less present we are, the more we feel like a victim of life, caught in our heads, defending, explaining, hoping to figure everything out. Identified with the mind, we are trapped in time, living through memory and anticipation. Unease, anxiety and worry come from too much focus on the future; guilt, resentment and regret from too much focus on the past.
- 02
Life Happens by You
When powerlessness becomes too uncomfortable, we swing to the belief that life happens by us — that to make anything happen, we must force it. We set goals and feel ashamed when we fall short, convinced that the right thoughts will create the world we want. But this is like a cork in the ocean trying to change its own movement. We risk becoming fearful of our own thoughts and denying who we are, meeting a self-image rather than ourselves, trying to create a reality rather than showing up for the one in front of us.
- 03
Life Happens in You
Eventually we see that reacting and controlling has not brought the ease we longed for. We begin to realise that life is something to be listened to, opened to. “We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.” Most of our suffering comes not from life itself, but from our stories about it. Here we begin to say yes to life — to accept it rather than resist it. Whenever we resent what is, we make the present moment an enemy. If there is truly nothing we can do, we actively embrace it. This is surrender.
- 04
Life Happens for You
As we learn to surrender, we move into the realisation that life happens for us — not a random series of events, but a highly intelligent unfolding. Rather than shaping and moulding life, we show up for it exactly as it is. We step into the present moment, and from there we can learn and grow from every single experience. In time we discover that life happens through us, and that, in essence, life is us. No more separation.
Tantra as life skills
For me, tantra has never been only a spiritual pursuit. It teaches life skills: how to engage with our experience in a way that brings depth, flavour and joy. Even if you are not seeking spiritual realisation, you can find something precious here — a way of living that is more vibrant, more honest and more fulfilling.
So much of our restlessness comes from a manufactured sense of lack — the quiet belief that the next thing will finally be enough. Contentment is the opposite movement: an inner fullness that does not depend on circumstances. When we feel full, we give, create and love from abundance rather than from need. This is where a richer life and a deeper love truly begin.
Returning to the present
Right now, in this moment, do you have any problems you can act on? If yes, speak up and act. If no, be here. Complaining is a sign of resisting: you either accept a situation, remove yourself from it, or change it. Waiting for something to happen quietly reduces the quality of your life by making you lose the present.
Your life situation and your life are not the same. You can strive to change your life situation, but life itself — your deep inner being, being alive — is always here. In every moment, open yourself to life as it is. Curiosity. Responding rather than reacting. This is where love and life skills truly begin.
“We don't see things as they are. We see them as we are.”
Bring this into your life
If this way of seeing speaks to you, working together is a way to make it lived and practical, not only understood.